Darkness became unbearably thick and heavy and I wept. Who could I possibly talk to who would help me? Suddenly it occurred to me that I could talk to God. I know, in my mind, that God is love and full of grace. It was my heart that wasn't buying it completely. Only He could save me from this unbelief.
"God, help me! I'm so sad and broken and afraid. I don't even know why, but I can't help but think you're mean and angry and don't like me ... " Before I could finish whining, He gently reminded me of an occasional incident with my son.
He plays with a friend when, from the other room, I suddenly hear his shrill cry. He yells and weeps until I arrive.
"What happened?" I implore. With tear filled eyes and red face he sobs,
"He told me I can't!" His lip trembles.
"Oh. And is he the boss of you?" I ask. He stares at me with puzzled face.
"Just because he says you can't, doesn't mean it's true"
... oh. I see. I've been weeping and wailing about how Satan has told me that God hates me, rejects me and will never make any use of me. I've heard him accuse God of being an angry, mean, hateful God who has now reached the end of His patience with me. And I believed it.
God seemed to speak gently to my heart "Just because he says it, Kim, doesn't mean it's true".
I began to laugh through my sobs. What a freeing revelation to see that the chains I wore were there because I allowed them to be. I am free. We are free.
We are not bound by emotion. Just because I feel sad, rejected, alone, doesn't mean I am.
I can choose to believe that I am accepted. I AM accepted by God through Jesus.
I can choose to believe that I'm not alone. God is with me always.
I can choose to believe that I have joy. Happiness is dependant on circumstance, Joy is knowing that no matter what happens, we win. Christ suffered what he did, knowing the joy that lay ahead. There is great joy that lays ahead for us. Check out Pastor Colin's message on Joy here. (hilarious!)
Praise the Lord for his faithfulness and mercy. I hide in fear, believing lies about God yet He extends his hand and gently leads me back. Wow! What a cool, amazing Father!! Whoever the Lord sets free is truly free.