I asked for a heart that is giving and humble… “Let go” seems just the antidote God would prescribe. He’s funny that way…
It soon became clear how much I don’t want to give, and how humble I am not. This month has been filled with opportunity for humility and giving. (sounds pretty, doesn’t it?)
- a debtor could not repay us on time. That payment was needed to make my payments. My pride and finances were at stake
- God revealed my sin to me – confession and repentance followed. My pride didn’t like that. Still doesn’t.
- Sharing my time with another meant I had to give up something I was really looking forward to. A lot.
A couple more things came to my attention today.
Each afternoon for the last couple of years, I have enjoyed an hour or two of quiet alone time. (I know, super duper lucky.) The children nap or watch a movie, and I disappear into the dimension of online. If I miss my quiet time … boy do I become a bear! Nothing should have that kind of hold on me! I didn’t realize what a hold that routine has on me.
… let go.
Then there’s personal space…
One situation I found myself in was especially … ‘touchy’. So many people grouped together resulted in elbows, yelling, pushing, arms, feet – always touching. Always close. My ‘personal space’ alarm sounded for hours. Alarm! Alarm! Step away from the Kim! Step away!
I remember one particular ‘close talker’ who would lean in closer than I’ve ever seen anyone do, which caused me to walk backward across a room – ‘close talker’ followed in close pursuit. My neck craned backward like some demented giraffe. I backed up and backed up until I finally found a chair to hide behind during our conversation.
Months later, after love had grown in my heart for this person, I noticed that I didn’t recoil when ‘close talker’ came nose-to-nose with me. I was excited to note a complete lack of disgust. I was actually amused and enjoyed her conversation. Wish I could say that’s the new me… but most of the time I just don’t want anyone so close to me.
My ‘need’ for personal space really shouldn’t have such a hold on me.
“If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.”
“And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Lord, I know your ways are higher than my ways. You see the big picture. I’m self-centered and can only see me. I believe your words – that my life will be saved if I let go. You continue to save me from my sin, and I thank you.
This is confusing and hard and feels impossible. I’m overwhelmed by it all – all the demands to die to self. I would rather hide than work on this. I would rather turn the page than see my sin. Help me Lord not to ignore your prompting. Help me to let go of myself.
Less of me, more of you Jesus. Make me more like you.