I Don’t Need to Forgive … Do I?

Boom, boom… I hear it. The beating of a drum; my Father’s heart. ‘Forgive… let go… forgive… let go…’ I hear it, but do not understand. I have already forgiven and have no more enemies. Boom, boom… I shield pulsing eyes from light to calm throbbing temples. Neck muscles strain, turning to steel.
Boom… boom…  Forgive? Forgive what?

I’ve not been maimed or robbed. I’ve received no harsh words even.
What is there to forgive?

But then she looks past me, and my heart breaks a hundred times. All my unseen moments come together in her evasive eyes. I am unknown. Decades of invisibility collect, liquid in the corner of my eyes. Am I so worthless to you?

I’m in mid-sentence while the room clears. Mid-sentence.  I’m left alone with echoing words. …Am I so uninteresting? Mundane?

I want to scream. Flail. Throw things. I want yell and chop down a tree with an axe. And especially, I want to point my finger at all their failures.

Boom, boom… do I really hear it? ‘Forgive. Let go. Forgive. Let go’.
My heart of stone would prefer excuses… fists clench. My head pounds as neck muscles tighten.

And it changes; “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6)

Rejection has shaped my identity. Who would I be if I am accepted?

Bold enough to walk across a room and make a new friend.
Confident – in posture, appearance and heart.
Unperterbed by rejection because I am accepted by the One who matters.
Unafraid. Adventurous.

It’s not a light question.

‘Let go’ would mean letting go of … me, in a way; of my expectations that everyone on this earth should like me. Is my desire for acceptance a Creator-made need, or a selfish demand?

Letting go would mean breaking old habits of measuring. ‘Do they like me? How much? Based on what?’ This prideful census-taking must stop. (1Chron 21:1)

I don’t know life outside of seeking acceptance. Wanting. Measuring. 

I know the right words – it will be ‘all good’ and God will guide and what’s to fear if God is with me… but do I believe it?

Do I want to be well? 


Anonymous said...

Deep thoughts! I look forward to seeing how you walk through this journey of forgiveness - giving AND accepting.


The Unknowngnome said...

We seem to have been thinking along the same lines this week.

Yes, you and I know the right words. Yes, we believe it.

Pr 14:8
The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.

Pr 24:14
Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Ecc 7:12
For wisdom is a defense as money is a defense, But the excellence of knowledge is that wisdom gives life to those who have it.

Do I want to be well? Yes, but is that seeking acceptance?

From The Heart Online said...

@ C - Hmm... accepting. Interesting. Thanks for the challenge :)

@ Unknowngnome - you twist my mind with the 'is that seeking acceptance' remark. hahaha...

Amy Sullivan said...

Oh, you've heard me speak on forgiveness and how it is such a tough, tough thing for me. Always like to read posts about this topic.