Show of hands – who has heard a friend say, “I feel fat”?
Or been the one to say it?
I’ll raise my hand for both.
Friends, this rampant body image issue is a problem. We’re believing lies about ourselves and each other, and it’s eroding our joy, stealing our sense of self, and sapping our purpose. It’s nearly impossible to live out your purpose when you’re busy criticizing yourself.
I know.
I’ve struggled with body image for as long as I can remember. Whatever shape or size I’ve been - swollen with pregnancy, bloated from gluttony, or so gaunt my rib and hip bones protruded – I always felt like I was too big. Too fat. If I could just lose more pounds, THEN I’d be happy. THEN I’d finally feel really good about myself. And, probably beneath all of that, was a deeper hope; ‘then I’ll finally be acceptable’.
Let me tell you, I’ve traveled all the way up and down that scale, and have never found that magical number. What I did find though, is something better.
I found freedom from the tyranny of hating my body...
Or been the one to say it?
I’ll raise my hand for both.
Friends, this rampant body image issue is a problem. We’re believing lies about ourselves and each other, and it’s eroding our joy, stealing our sense of self, and sapping our purpose. It’s nearly impossible to live out your purpose when you’re busy criticizing yourself.
I know.
I’ve struggled with body image for as long as I can remember. Whatever shape or size I’ve been - swollen with pregnancy, bloated from gluttony, or so gaunt my rib and hip bones protruded – I always felt like I was too big. Too fat. If I could just lose more pounds, THEN I’d be happy. THEN I’d finally feel really good about myself. And, probably beneath all of that, was a deeper hope; ‘then I’ll finally be acceptable’.
Let me tell you, I’ve traveled all the way up and down that scale, and have never found that magical number. What I did find though, is something better.
I found freedom from the tyranny of hating my body...
First, you need to know that I get it. It was only a year ago that each glance in the mirror initiated a barrage of silent insults and berating, the horror of which I would never think of my worst enemy, much less repeat. I scanned my body and thought hateful things. I pummeled myself with guilt, heaped shame, and lashed with insults, demanding I get it together, and quickly. Then I’d leave the reflection, resolving to eat more salad and, for Pete’s sake, to stop eating so dang much.
The emotional lashing never resulted in healing, oddly enough. Rather, it drove me back into the arms of comforting food and sweet lethargy. This, of course, only led to more masochistic mirror-meetings, which required more comfort, and back and forth it went. It was a terrible and painful cycle I couldn’t escape.
Can you relate?
Then something changed.
I realized, first of all, that to continue in that cycle would keep me trapped. Something had to give.
Through a series of circumstances and observations, I discovered an important truth that would release me from that self-condemning cycle. It came in the form of a question: “What if I never lost weight? Could I love me anyway?”
It was a life-altering question. Could I look in the mirror and, regardless of what I saw, love me beyond my appearance?
Suddenly I remembered stories of brave and confident people who have suffered serious, scarring burns all over their face, people who were born with physical deformities, perhaps with a club foot or without any body hair, or who had missing limbs. I remembered people who have self-inflicted scars on their bodies or a hormone imbalance that leaves them obese despite their disciplined diets. Many of them boldly carried on and loved themselves despite their appearance.
They loved themselves anyway.
Could I do that?
Others are overweight for non-medical reasons, and can strut on a stage with a boldness I’ve only dreamed of possessing. I’ve often admired many women who are larger than me, who rock their curve-hugging wardrobes with a confidence and pleasure I envy. They look fantastic and attractive, leave me baffled by my own insecurity. Why can’t I be more like them?
Here’s the crux of it; if I can admire others and find them beautiful regardless of their shape, size, or form, how is it that I can possibly judge myself?
The fact is, at the true heart of it, I can’t.
Maybe, on the surface, I can convince myself that I’m “just hard on myself”, but the subversive hard truth behind it is that I have two measures. One for me, one for ‘them’. It’s fine for others to have physical challenges, to be overweight, for example, it’s just not okay for me.
And my great hypocrisy was revealed.
I’ve measured my own physicality against a high bar, and others’ against a low one.
Now, to say I had high expectations of self and low expectations of others might sound perfectly fine, and even good and altruistic, but, despite what motivational speakers might tell you, there is a big problem with this worldview.
First, as a Christian, it’s important to know this view is unbiblical. Scripture says we ought not to think too highly of ourselves (Romans 12:3) and that we should think of others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3).
As I thought about it, I realized why it’s such a big deal. To set our own standard of achievement or acceptability at a higher level than we think others can or ought to achieve is a double standard, a hypocrisy, a raising up of self over others. (After all, how can we obligate ourselves to achieve more and better than others unless we think ourselves, in general, better than others in the first place?)
In order to be acceptable, I had decided, I must be better than others – that the motive, if I was being deadly, painfully honest about it, was pride. Ego. To win at the game of who looks best.
It’s a game I have never and will never win, no matter what number is on the scale. Because beauty is subjective for one thing, and for another, beauty is internal anyway. I can think of some very physically beautiful people who are among the ugliest humans I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. I’m sure you can too.
--- Appearance is not a sport that can be won, no matter how much we try to make it one. ---
How to Overcome Self-Hate and Really Accept and Appreciate Yourself
Practically speaking, how this realization worked itself into my mind and heart was first by decision. I first had to decide to reject my hypocritical assessment of self and others. Then I decided to replace it with acceptance.
This sounds simple, but took hard, intentional work. I had spend years running the same horrific set of ugly words through my mind, so each look in the mirror continued to trigger the barrage.
From that moment on, those mirror-meetings became a battle ground. The moment that familiar negative speech would begin, I would cut it off, declare it to be lies, and instead declare truth over myself. That truth began simply as “I love me anyway.” I spoke it aloud to the mirror, goofy as it felt, so my ears and mind heard me, and my eyes saw in themselves my determination as I declared it to be so, that I love me anyway.
“If I never lose another pound, if I continue to grow unstoppably, swelling to great widths, I will love me anyway.” The negative thoughts started to pop up throughout the day, so we warred there. Every time a negative, condemning thought came to mind, I would slap it down with those words, “I love me anyway.”
This was the first step to my healing.
Soon, looking in the mirror was no longer a battle, but instead a quiet acceptance. After a few weeks, it grew to become a hopeful, happy experience. I would look on my shape with appreciation, thankful that I am attractive to my husband and pleasing to my God, and it was enough for me to smile in agreement, “I love me”.
The Surprising Thing That Happens When You Stop Looking For Results…
Guess what that shift in perspective did for my high-calorie habit... Suddenly I wasn’t running into the arms of food and drink for affection and comfort, and had the strength and hope to resist. I ended up losing 30 pounds in five months, but I don’t want to pause to celebrate that too much. I almost didn’t even mention it, because it’s not about that.
I share it though, because there’s a fascinating principle at work here, which is this:
Happiness is not to be had for the wanting, it’s a byproduct of some deeper satisfaction, a contentment that thrives beyond the changing influence of circumstance. That deep contentment happens to produce happiness. Happiness, however, is temporary and fleeting, and doesn’t produce deep contentment.
The pounds I lost were not pursued as a means of happiness. They were a byproduct of my contentment. I didn’t reduce my eating to lose weight and finally be acceptable, I finally felt acceptable, so did not feel compelled to overeat.
The power of the negative cycle had been broken!
So much more happened that year – so many more breakthroughs, and continued healing of the deep, ancient wounds that had driven me to such self-hate in the first place. I worked through forgiveness, overcame limiting beliefs, learned to dream bigger, manage my time more effectively, grew in loving those who hate me, drew some boundaries that have changed my life, and so much more!!!
And I believe it all began with that first step of letting go of my pride and loving myself anyway.
My past self, my present self, and my future self, and every stage and state of me.
If you struggle with body image, if you wish you could break free from negative cycles that are holding you back,
I invite you to do two things:
First, give some thought to how my own steps to freedom might apply to you.
Do you have different standards for yourself than for others?
What motives drive that? Can you love yourself anyway?
Secondly, it’s easy to get stuck in your own head, trapped in cycles, and not know how to get out. I know. That’s why I have mentors and besties and seek counseling, coaching, and input for myself – because we just need that outside perspective. That’s also why I offer coaching myself.
I help authors, entrepreneurs, and other good people like you work through limiting beliefs and mindset breakthroughs so they can experience freedom, rediscover their passion, and pursue it with purpose and vigor.
Freedom is just around the corner.
If that interests you, check it out here.
In the meantime, what do you think - if your body would forever stay the way it is right now, could you love yourself anyway?
The emotional lashing never resulted in healing, oddly enough. Rather, it drove me back into the arms of comforting food and sweet lethargy. This, of course, only led to more masochistic mirror-meetings, which required more comfort, and back and forth it went. It was a terrible and painful cycle I couldn’t escape.
Can you relate?
Then something changed.
I realized, first of all, that to continue in that cycle would keep me trapped. Something had to give.
Through a series of circumstances and observations, I discovered an important truth that would release me from that self-condemning cycle. It came in the form of a question: “What if I never lost weight? Could I love me anyway?”
It was a life-altering question. Could I look in the mirror and, regardless of what I saw, love me beyond my appearance?
Suddenly I remembered stories of brave and confident people who have suffered serious, scarring burns all over their face, people who were born with physical deformities, perhaps with a club foot or without any body hair, or who had missing limbs. I remembered people who have self-inflicted scars on their bodies or a hormone imbalance that leaves them obese despite their disciplined diets. Many of them boldly carried on and loved themselves despite their appearance.
They loved themselves anyway.
Could I do that?
Others are overweight for non-medical reasons, and can strut on a stage with a boldness I’ve only dreamed of possessing. I’ve often admired many women who are larger than me, who rock their curve-hugging wardrobes with a confidence and pleasure I envy. They look fantastic and attractive, leave me baffled by my own insecurity. Why can’t I be more like them?
Here’s the crux of it; if I can admire others and find them beautiful regardless of their shape, size, or form, how is it that I can possibly judge myself?
The fact is, at the true heart of it, I can’t.
Maybe, on the surface, I can convince myself that I’m “just hard on myself”, but the subversive hard truth behind it is that I have two measures. One for me, one for ‘them’. It’s fine for others to have physical challenges, to be overweight, for example, it’s just not okay for me.
And my great hypocrisy was revealed.
I’ve measured my own physicality against a high bar, and others’ against a low one.
Now, to say I had high expectations of self and low expectations of others might sound perfectly fine, and even good and altruistic, but, despite what motivational speakers might tell you, there is a big problem with this worldview.
First, as a Christian, it’s important to know this view is unbiblical. Scripture says we ought not to think too highly of ourselves (Romans 12:3) and that we should think of others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3).
As I thought about it, I realized why it’s such a big deal. To set our own standard of achievement or acceptability at a higher level than we think others can or ought to achieve is a double standard, a hypocrisy, a raising up of self over others. (After all, how can we obligate ourselves to achieve more and better than others unless we think ourselves, in general, better than others in the first place?)
In order to be acceptable, I had decided, I must be better than others – that the motive, if I was being deadly, painfully honest about it, was pride. Ego. To win at the game of who looks best.
It’s a game I have never and will never win, no matter what number is on the scale. Because beauty is subjective for one thing, and for another, beauty is internal anyway. I can think of some very physically beautiful people who are among the ugliest humans I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. I’m sure you can too.
--- Appearance is not a sport that can be won, no matter how much we try to make it one. ---
How to Overcome Self-Hate and Really Accept and Appreciate Yourself
Practically speaking, how this realization worked itself into my mind and heart was first by decision. I first had to decide to reject my hypocritical assessment of self and others. Then I decided to replace it with acceptance.
This sounds simple, but took hard, intentional work. I had spend years running the same horrific set of ugly words through my mind, so each look in the mirror continued to trigger the barrage.
From that moment on, those mirror-meetings became a battle ground. The moment that familiar negative speech would begin, I would cut it off, declare it to be lies, and instead declare truth over myself. That truth began simply as “I love me anyway.” I spoke it aloud to the mirror, goofy as it felt, so my ears and mind heard me, and my eyes saw in themselves my determination as I declared it to be so, that I love me anyway.
“If I never lose another pound, if I continue to grow unstoppably, swelling to great widths, I will love me anyway.” The negative thoughts started to pop up throughout the day, so we warred there. Every time a negative, condemning thought came to mind, I would slap it down with those words, “I love me anyway.”
This was the first step to my healing.
Soon, looking in the mirror was no longer a battle, but instead a quiet acceptance. After a few weeks, it grew to become a hopeful, happy experience. I would look on my shape with appreciation, thankful that I am attractive to my husband and pleasing to my God, and it was enough for me to smile in agreement, “I love me”.
The Surprising Thing That Happens When You Stop Looking For Results…
Guess what that shift in perspective did for my high-calorie habit... Suddenly I wasn’t running into the arms of food and drink for affection and comfort, and had the strength and hope to resist. I ended up losing 30 pounds in five months, but I don’t want to pause to celebrate that too much. I almost didn’t even mention it, because it’s not about that.
I share it though, because there’s a fascinating principle at work here, which is this:
Happiness is not to be had for the wanting, it’s a byproduct of some deeper satisfaction, a contentment that thrives beyond the changing influence of circumstance. That deep contentment happens to produce happiness. Happiness, however, is temporary and fleeting, and doesn’t produce deep contentment.
The pounds I lost were not pursued as a means of happiness. They were a byproduct of my contentment. I didn’t reduce my eating to lose weight and finally be acceptable, I finally felt acceptable, so did not feel compelled to overeat.
The power of the negative cycle had been broken!
So much more happened that year – so many more breakthroughs, and continued healing of the deep, ancient wounds that had driven me to such self-hate in the first place. I worked through forgiveness, overcame limiting beliefs, learned to dream bigger, manage my time more effectively, grew in loving those who hate me, drew some boundaries that have changed my life, and so much more!!!
And I believe it all began with that first step of letting go of my pride and loving myself anyway.
My past self, my present self, and my future self, and every stage and state of me.
If you struggle with body image, if you wish you could break free from negative cycles that are holding you back,
I invite you to do two things:
First, give some thought to how my own steps to freedom might apply to you.
Do you have different standards for yourself than for others?
What motives drive that? Can you love yourself anyway?
Secondly, it’s easy to get stuck in your own head, trapped in cycles, and not know how to get out. I know. That’s why I have mentors and besties and seek counseling, coaching, and input for myself – because we just need that outside perspective. That’s also why I offer coaching myself.
I help authors, entrepreneurs, and other good people like you work through limiting beliefs and mindset breakthroughs so they can experience freedom, rediscover their passion, and pursue it with purpose and vigor.
Freedom is just around the corner.
If that interests you, check it out here.
In the meantime, what do you think - if your body would forever stay the way it is right now, could you love yourself anyway?
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