Being Real, Here in the Silence

I have no devotional to share with you, no insight. Usually, when I have no deep, meaningful kernel to share, I  don't post much. What's the point?  ... I started to let that become a source of guilt - as though it somehow proves I'm a phony. But that's really how I work everyday - if I don't have something meaningful to say, I pretty much don't say a whole lot.  (disclaimer - I say stupid, meaningless things. Yes, I do. I can rant and rave unnecessarily with the best of them - I'm saying usually.)


I had shared with a few friends once, that small talk is painful for me. It really is. It's hard for me to assign value to it - what's the point in discussing the weather, or sports or my toenails? I just don't understand. I confess. The jig is up! I hate small talk.


Recently I visited a friend and we were at that point where there was silence - she tended to dishes in the sink, and I stared out the window. I wondered if she was uncomfortable with the silence, but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't uncomfortable or mad or bored ... just thinking.  Then she smiled at me and said, "Ever since you said how you feel about small talk, I feel like I get you."  Thank you, friend. I appreciate that.  She allowed silence to just be - it didn't reflect on her ability to host a guest, nor on how interesting she is as a person. It didn't define her. It just was.


I guess I'm in a silent place right now. Today? This week? I don't know.  There is no insight to share, no tasty God-morsel... there is nothing. Truth is, I'm feeling a little spiritually numb. Yesterday, my journaling contained such phrases as


"Lord, I feel like I can’t find you – like I can’t hear your voice, and don’t know your will."
and...


I feel like I have no heart.  If I did, wouldn’t it be soaring with delight of knowing you, or breaking in half from being without you? Neither. Am I the lukewarm water you will spit out?" 

Then this morning the message in church was about desire - about seeking God, and following him. "Desire determines your destiny" Desire determines sacrifice. How far will I follow God? Thank you, Mr. Guest Speaker. I needed to hear that.


When God  hides his face from me, will I seek him, or will I sit here in the dark and cry? My husband asked me, "What would you tell someone else if they were in your shoes?" I smiled and replied, "Seek him and you'll find him. Keep reading the Word, keep praying, keep listening and watching, and he will reveal himself to you. That's his promise"


Yes, I will follow God. Yes, though I walk through the valley of high emotions or none at all, I will still read your word and pray for understanding. I will fear not man's opinion, nor Satan's temptation and lies, but will instead trust that you are who you say you are, and will deliver - deliver your promises, and deliver me from spiritual numbness.


Hmm. ...maybe it's not spiritual numbness. ... maybe it's just silence and I shouldn't let it define me...



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4 comments:

MTJ said...

Hi FMS,

I really think that moments of comfortable silence are OK. Often, I feel the need for silence so that I can hear God, but I've had moments around others. It doesn't mean that I'm depressed, upset or deliberately distant; sometimes, I just have nothing to say. So rather than saying something which I would regret, or trying to force words from my mouth in the hope that it will be engaging or entertaining, I choose to be quiet.

I shared this with those close to me and they seem OK with who I am.

Those times when I don't hear God (Yes, I have them too) doesn't mean I'm all alone; I remind myself of His promise to never leave me. So like you, I've made a conscious decision to search for Him in the scriptures, continue praying, hearing Him speak through others and confessing my trust and love for Him.

Blessings and peace.

MTJ

Family, Money and Stuff said...

Thanks MTJ

Kate said...

I think this is awesome. I feel like this so many times...and my first instinct is always to let it freak me out. But you're right...the right thing to do in those moments is to read God's Word and pray and LISTEN.

I love this line: "...maybe it's not spiritual numbness. ... maybe it's just silence and I shouldn't let it define me..."

What a great reminder!

From The Heart Online said...

Thanks, Kate. I appreciate that you can identify with that feeling. It's tough to continue to seek God when I don't feel like doing it, or feel like it's 'working'. But as I do it (do what I know I should do), that obedience is rewarded somehow. Before I know it, I'm celebrating God's presence.