Crumbling My Resistance

My daughter is a walking mirror, reminding me of me. We share the same personality, characteristics and …(cough) …behavior.  Like yesterday for example…

‘Get your shoes on dear’ I tell my three year old girl.

‘Get my shoes on right nooooow?’ she asks.

‘Yes, get your shoes on right now please.” She scampers off, and pulls her shoes from the shelf, tossing them to the floor. She jams her toes into the shoe and grunts loud and long.

‘Uuuuuuh!!!!’ She yells to no one. I peek around the corner.

‘Just ask for help, honey’

‘UUUHHHHHH!!!!!’ She shakes her foot wildly, yelling. Her brow crunches together above angry eyes and she breaks into wailing. She crumples to the floor in a heap of tears and anger as I stand next to her in silence, waiting.

I laugh to myself at this precious child who makes things so hard for herself. I love her and wish she would just choose to reach out for help. I laugh to myself that I do the same thing. The tasks that lie ahead of me are too much for me.  The book tour (public speaking, planning, fundraising), we’re currently moving, and then there’s the financial squeeze…

I’ve spent the last few weeks saying ‘UUUuuuhhh!!!’ instead of asking God for help. He must be shaking his head at me, wondering why I don’t just ask Him for help.

“I want to please Jesus”

“I want to do this right”

“I don’t want to screw it up”

“I’m too proud, selfish, petty to walk this out”

“I don’t know what to say!!”

“I don’t know how!!”

“Uuuuuhhhh!!!!”  (can you hear my flailing my shoe wildly?)

You know the best part? While I was asking God ‘what should I DO?’ He was speaking to me ‘grace’ ‘you are loved’. I plugged my ears and kept on searching for what I should DO; how to get it right.  Then, this Sunday in church I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Grace and mercy seemed to flow from the worship songs. God broke down my resistance with His amazing love and mercy and grace. I came to my knees before the cross, humble at last before Jesus.  

Hours later, I noticed that the incessant lump of tension that had been eating me for weeks ..was gone. I had peace. Fantastic, wonderful peace.

I’m not permanently fixed. The stresses remain and I can feel that ‘tension ache’ in my body again today, but I can come humbly before the cross anytime and confess my inability before the One who is able. May I recognize daily how dependant I am on God.

He knows I can’t ‘do this right’. He knows I’ll fail. I’m human. But He will not fail.

Lord, forgive me for thinking I could do this on my own. I clearly can’t, yet you’ve asked me to walk here. My future mess-ups and sin are no surprise to you, yet you lead me here anyway. Jesus, thank you for calling me to things I can’t do without you. Please help me to walk completely dependant on you all the time. I see what I become when I try to walk on my own. Selfish. Proud. Sinful. Ugly. Weak. Broken. 

Lord, I can not please you without faith and obedience and I sure can’t please you by my performance. Thank you for humbling me with your grace, for crumbling my resistance with your love.

Please help me to cling to you instead of running off to do things – even your good works - on my own. Thank you for reminding me of how to fix my eyes on you Jesus.